Oddly, there seem to be a couple of evangelist pastors out there who allegedly are experts on gay male sex. I kid you not. Apparently they seem to know a great deal more about gay sex than what the average homosexual does. Especially surprising to me is the resilience the male sphincter muscle (aka your asshole muscle) has according to them. Apparently you can shove a whole baseball bat up there, your iPhone and a gerbil. No wonder so many people get rectal exams in prison: You never know what they could manage to smuggle in there; it could be anything from a nail file to a ladder. Reflecting on some past comments of a certain Pastor Patrick Wooden I could not help but wonder, have we gay guys even begin to explore the wonderland that are our rectums.
Pastor Wooden seems very preoccupied with gay male genitalia the and male anus. After all it is in that general area where we like to keep things neat, tidy and in some cases bleached and pierced. But, in Wooden’s defense, the anus is a wonderful organ. It is resilient and can stretch when needed. And the best of all you don’t even have to be gay to have experience this phenomena. Straight people can experience this too. I'm speaking to all those straight guys out there who like it when their girlfriends stick her fingers up their ass. You know who you are! And I know that you are worried and wondering about being fingered and if that makes you gay. The answer is no, it makes you ass bi-curious. But it's not just through sex and ass play when you can experience this. Normal bodily functions also helps you experience the elasticity of your sphincter muscle more frequently than what you may think.
If you have ever been constipated and finally had that bowel movement that sets you free, you probably have experienced that glorious sensation. You know that feeling when you push and push and you feel it is just too big to come out. Finally, as the monster turd crowns and you feel like your asshole just is not big enough and about to exploded, it makes it’s way through and takes its final plunge leaving you relieved, proud and semi euphoric. Well, gay anal sex is not completely unlike that. Apart from the turd being a cock and instead of it coming out it goes in. I apologize for this graphic image that will now be stuck in your head for weeks to come. In my defense I did not make you read this, so technically it is your own fault. But I digress, lets get back to your asshole.
Like any good homosexual I am also partial to some ass play. I, like some gay tops, can also be “ass curious” at times (If you don't know what that means Google will explain it to you). But I can honestly say I have never shoved a baseball bat up my rectum nor have I attempted to insert any live stock or rodents. Mostly, because I do not understand the logistics of it and I don’t condone animal abuse. I mean honestly, how exactly do you force a little gerbil into a dark crevice if it doesn’t want to go in. Doesn’t it have teeth and sharp little nails? Or is that part of the fun? I’m sure PETA would have a lot to say about this issue.
Inserting foreign objects into our rectums is something gay men do. As per definition a foreign object is anything “originating elsewhere” or simply put “outside of your body”. So it can be pretty much anything including someone else’s penis, which is predominantly what gay guys prefer. Some gay guys are also over achievers and sometimes like to have more than one penis up their man hole. It's true, I have seen it in gay porn. It doesn't look comfortable at all and not something I am inclined or interesting in doing. Ever. In my case we have a drawer in our bedroom with preferred foreign objects. Now don't pretend to gasp for air, you know you have a secret sex drawer too.
Our drawer contains nothing particularly out of the ordinary for a professional homosexual on the go. We have the usual socially accepted objects, you know what I mean. My father-in-law, a few years ago, accidentally opened this drawer thus destroying any illusions he may have had of his son and I being celibate and not engaging in anal sex. He emerged from the ordeal pale as a ghost and dramatically quiet for the rest of that day. He’s probably still traumatized and digesting what he had seen. I believe that mental pictures that were inadvertently burned into his mind still haunts his dream till this day.
Using foreign objects that you can buy from any sex shop or online to enhance your sexual experience is one thing, but what if you don’t have the time or money. Well, like any resourceful homosexual will tell you, there are a plethora of everyday household objects that you can safely use. Let’s turn our attention to your kitchen. Fruit and vegetables like bananas, cucumbers and carrots are perfectly safe. You won't get any nutritional value from them but you will have fun and in some cases vegetables can be orgasmic. Just don't use them in a salad later. That would just be gross. Butternuts on the other hand are not safe nor are any frozen items, fish or cutlery. The broom closet is pretty self explanatory as most closeted right wing evangelist pastors will tell you.
When it comes to the bathroom and the bedroom wardrobe it could get a little dicey. Firstly, it is not good hygiene to insert anything into your ass that you will not be able to get out again later, having to wash your face with or have to put in your mouth. Secondly, electrical items and anything bigger than your hand and arm could pose some serious medical repercussions and should always be used with extreme caution. I would advice you to first consult with your physician but I can see how that conversation could be awkward. It is also extremely important to remember that KY conducts electricity extremely well, as I can attest to from personal experience, and electrocution does not enhance an orgasm, it does quite the opposite and it's not fun nor is it sexy!
My iPhone is the one item I have never considered inserting into my rectum and people who do clearly have no respect for their phones, themselves or other people and they should be ashamed of themselves! Honestly, what if you get a very important call, a Facebook message or a tweet? Are you going to phone, message and tweet that person back apologizing by saying “I was busy stimulating my prostate, and thank you for calling me at exactly the right time – you really hit the spot for me! It was the best orgasm EVER! Thank you for making me cum!” I didn't think so people.
Contemplating the good Pastor’s recent comments and especially the part about gay men’s rectums being mutilated resulting in some gay men having to walk around with butt plugs and diapers, I consulted with a medical professional. My pharmacist told me it was bullshit! Sure with regular abuse and inserting very large objects the sphincter muscle can get damaged and deformed over time; but for that to happen the person must have been doing some seriously fucked up shit to themselves and their assholes. And surely this is not the norm. To conclude, any person who walks around with a butt plug up his ass for a whole day has some serious skills and I am sure that would be dreadfully uncomfortable. As for wearing diapers, I don't think I am into that baby fetish shit. I mean who would want to shit their pants on purpose?
Whether Pastor Patrick Wooden spoke from personal experience or secret desires, I guess we will never really know for certain. His fascination with gay anal sex and brevity of knowledge on the subject does however slightly impress. But, I am sad to say Pastor Patrick Wooden, there are some things gay men will not put up our asses and your dick ranks number one on that list. Even though I do admire the fact that you are so very adventurous with your own anus, I will never be as able a power bottom as you do. Your accomplishments are awe inspiring!
As any self respecting homosexual I fart glitter and rainbows. Well, not really. However, if I did I would totally write about it in great explicit detail. Possibly also with pictures. But I don't so let me get to the real point of this post.
I am whoring myself again for votes in the South African Blog Awards for best LGBT Blog. If you have been enjoying reading my blog or are a fan on my Facebook Page I ask that you please vote for me.
Voting is easy all you have to do is CLICK ON THIS LINK, submit your email address to cast your vote. The final step is to confirm your vote with the email the awards will send you. It is that easy.
If I win I will definitely fart glitter and rainbows. Promise.
I jumped out of a plane once. At night! I cannot say that I enjoyed it or did it out of my own free will. I was pushed and being deathly afraid of heights I almost shit myself. This happened a few years ago and is not something I like to talk about seeing as I am still traumatized by the whole experience. It wasn't my finest hour and I lost all composure which is not something that happens often. But let me start at the beginning...
My career has been quite interesting thus far. It is by no means a career one would associate with a homosexual like me. I mean I am not butch, don't play sports (because running after balls are stupid if not attached to a man) and generally I don't like doing things that will mess up my hair. Therefore, very few people would imagine that I am good with guns and knives, got training from the military and did some work that is considered to be "dangerous". I have always come across as unassuming which has made me very successful in what I do for a living.
That being said, it doesn't mean that I have not been terrified or considered the work that I do as the result of bad life choices. The one time I really knew that I may have made some bad career decisions was when I received training from the military. At the time it was compulsory that I spend three months at the army. In other words I was forced into it kicking and screaming when I heard about it. I had so many questions and the same amount of serious concerns about the whole thing.
My first day there I felt completely out of place. I was surrounded by very butch guys and the women were no different. The one guy even looked like he had killed some people and liked it. I knew if the shit was to hit the fan that he would be my best option to stay alive so I immediately made friends with him. I also made friends with a few women in my group because I also knew that if the shit hits the fan that I would be able to out run them and they would serve as my human shields behind me. I know it sounds horrible but it is a survival thing.
The first two months went by without much drama. I scored at the top of my group and I was quite proud of myself. I did good academically and especially with the practical work which surprised everybody including myself. At that stage I thought it was quite easy and fell into a comfort zone. I felt like I would be able to cruise through the last month and afterwards would be able to boast about my achievements at the army. But that comfort zone was not to last and shit got real really soon after that.
During the last month we traveled to another military base and spent the week there. The base sounded interesting as they had a small air force base and we would get to blow shit up. The fact that they had a small air force base in that small town meant nothing to me until we were told that we had to do a tandem night skydive. At first I thought heard wrong and muttered "Say what now?! You mean I have to jump out of a plane at night being bound to a person who I don't know and I am not sure I can trust?!" To which the general looked at me disapprovingly and said in a annoyed voice "Affirmative."
At that point I was done with the army because they were all a bunch of reckless assholes with a death wish. I was not about to die in a skydiving accident and I tried my hardest to get out of it. I even faked having diarrhea. Well I wasn't faking it so much as I wishing that my nervous bowels will get me out of the whole thing. An hour before we had to jump I prayed for it to all just be a bad dream but it wasn't. I had to do the jump in order to successfully complete my training.
As I was handed my jumpsuit and other things that I needed all I could think about was how I hated my life. I stood there looked at myself and my trembling hands and thought that if I died my family would not even be able to have a open casket at my funeral. Open caskets at funerals are important to me because how else can you verify that the person is actually dead. But I digress...
I got into the plane, well more I was pushed into it. As they closed the door and we were taking off I was about to become unhinged. I was about to loose my shit and was looking for anything I could grab onto when it was my turn to plummet to my death. The guy I was to jump with saw I was nervous and then decided to make things worse by saying "Relax. Nothing bad will happen and if it does you will die quickly and not feel a thing". He then laughed and tied me to his sarcastic body. I was starting to feel violated.
When the plane door opened and the wind came rushing in I knew that I was about to die. I was third in line to be pushed out of the plane and at that point I no longer minded what people thought of me. I resorted to begging and trying to negotiate my way out of it. As the two guys in front of me plummeted from the plane I knew it was my turn. My turn to die!
I was told to cross my arms until we had cleared the plane and only then I was allowed to extend them. At that point I was already in the fetal position with my eyes closed. Much like a cat I thought that if my eyes were closed nothing will happen and what I was to experience was just a bad joke. I was wrong. The countdown started and the bastard pushed me out of the place at the count of 2 and not 1. As I was plummeting to earth my screams were dulled by the cold air that rushed passed me. I looked like a dog sticking its head out of a car window while it speeds down the freeway. It was very unflattering and really fucked with my botox.
As the parachute opened and I was jilted upwards I panicked again as I was worried that I might be ripped from the guy I jumped with. There were more screams and I could hear the guy laughing. We floated down to the ground and when the guy said I must lift my legs up as we landed I felt the kind of relieve that I never experienced before. I got unlatched from the guy and had to sit for a few minutes as my legs were not working. The guy, whose name I never asked, said "Let's do it again" to which I responded "Go fuck yourself! I never want to see you again!"
After the skydiving experience, that almost saw me shit my pants, we were trucked back to the base. At that point I was pretty pissed off and hated the army and everyone in it. The only redeeming quality of that night was when we got to blow shit up. We had two hours of bombing stuff and being on the sharp end watching how different types of weapons and missiles do different types of damage. It was nice but did not really make up for the abuse I suffered earlier that night. As I finished my training at the military I vowed to never return. And I didn't nor do I ever plan to.
It's time to sell your soul. Don't worry, it won't hurt. Much. Also, no puppies or kittens will be harmed during this treacherous process. You know, because I sometimes love animals more than I do people because sometimes people can be assholes. And even though I am gay and am very familiar with assholes, this is not the kind I wish to explore. But I digress.
It is Blog Award Season again and my blog has again been entered for best LGBT blog. Yes, this is the same category in which I won last year and I thank you for all the votes you cast for me. This year I am asking you to vote for my blog again and let's see if we can make it a two-for-two.
So if you like my blog, or love it, or hate it, please consider voting for me.
To vote all you have to do is CLICK THIS LINK.Add your email and vote. The last step is to confirm your vote with the email that will be sent to you. The whole process takes less than a minute.
So please vote. Don't be shy. I won't judge you if you don't but my cat will because she is very judgmental and sometimes an asshole. Just saying.
Gaytanks is a Boston based tongue-in-cheek brand that gives you all the attention a t-shirt can. For the boys who want to turn heads, the fun and patterned design evoke a cute gay passion into pop culture and the human body.
Made from luxurious tri-blend, Gaytanks have a wonderfully soft touch against one's skin. The fit is sexy, yet comfortable making this the perfect accessory to any pride, beach or club event.
Their latest style include the delectable "Bananas and Cherries" tank as well as the splashing "Water Me" tank.
Who can't Emojin themselves in one of these?
Gaytanks is your right to bare arms!
To buy one of these head turning tanks CLICK HERE.